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just thinking loud again
Monday, January 24, 2005
langya namang bakla to
This happened last saturday when I checked my yahoo mail. I received an email from Nald about the bills that i have to pay. Take note that this letter was sent to Tess and Rissa as well, at least according to him. This is what he wrote:

Ronald Cruz Marj

Bellsouth Bill
Local -3.49 -3.49
Internet 21.96 21.96
Long Distance Plan 10.65 10.65
Long Distance Calls 23.61 156.91
Taxes 5.07 5.07
Deposit (Less) -75.00 Entergy 86.55 86.55
Deposit (Less) -75.00
Peoples Water Co. 18.90 18.90
Deposit (Less) -20.00
Apartment Costs (Call Anita for Questions)
Room Door Repair 50.00
Blinds 50.00
Replacement Lock 50.00
Repaint 37.50
Bathroom (Not Cleaned) 25.00
Varnishing 25.00
Vent Hood 70.00
Deposit -200.00
Apartment Costs (C/o Ronald)
Vacuum Steam Rental 27.96 27.96
Labor Costs 60.00

TOTAL 254.51

All receipts are included in the packet except the costs from Anita and the labor for the steaming of the carpet. Most of the deductions from the apartment were caused by you. Anita charged us for your unclean bathroom, your broken bedroom door and the blinds that Yum Yum chewed upon. You did not leave your house key so she was obliged to replace the lock. The amount for the repaint was 70.00 but I charged you only for half because it’s due to both of us smoking. She deducted everything from our deposit leaving us with nothing but 50.00. I believe that this is not right that those expenses should be deducted from me too. I believe that your apartment costs should be deducted from only you and not the both of us. I already talked to Anita about the breakdown of the costs so you can call her if you do not believe me. I need the money not later than January 31.

Failure to comply will force me to submit this case to a small claims court. I will definitely bring this to court due to all the inconveniences you have caused. Do not let this come to that end because you will just end up paying much more. I am sure the last thing you want is going to court because you don’t want your life to be in direct scrutiny. They might just discover another case…


I don't mind paying him any amount actually. I just didn't like the choice of words nor the way he was acting presumptious about me not paying him. I know I shouldn't act on impulse and so I tried to call him. He didn't answer the phone so I emailed him back. I didn't like my letter. Nevertheless, i am proud i wrote and sent it. Here is my response:

ronald dear,
I totally agree with you. You shouldn't be charged
for the blinds,the room door repair,the bathroom and
in all, I should be charged (and this is if you can
give me a receipt) $212.96 (not including labor unless
you paid the same amount) I talked to anita about the
key and she will give you back your 50.00 dollars for
that. Another correction is the amount of my deposit.
The apartment's deposit is $300 and I gave an
additional $100 for yumyum. So your share of the
deposit is 150 and mine is 250. So all in all, yours
is about 132.96 (including the repainting). This does
not include any labor costs which i am not sure why( i
need that straightened up too.) So considering that
you have 150 deposit, I honestly do not think that you
should complain receiving 50.00. That's more than you
deserve, don't you think? And you even have a 50.00
dollar check from anita since I told her to give you
that(cause I can turn in my key). By the way, half of
70.00 is not 37.50. LAst time I checked, it’s 35.00.

I also want to know which packet you are talking about
because I haven't seen any yet. Should I get it from
your house or are you going to mail it? Do you want
me to pay you or the companies? I need receipts and I
couldn’t stress that enough.

I'm not going to forget my responsibilities and you
know that, I am just avoiding you. If you will keep
on threatening me about a case court, I will
wholeheartedly embrace it. I'm sure they would love to
hear about a teacher who's having gay sex in THE SAME
apartment that i was in.Don't ever threaten me. If I
were you, I will stop spreading those nasty rumors
about your exroommate/exfriend. It's just so pathetic
and low. I said I am paying and you know I am capable
of doing just that if it means not having to deal with
you (or your sex life) ever again. Even now, you
still think it's always about the money. As far as I
know, I haven't broken any of my promises yet so my
credibility is commendable. So what's the problem?

About the other bills, I am okay about paying them
before jan.31 so you can celebrate your birthday with
a blast JUST AS LONG AS I GET THE RECEIPTS before that
date so i can personally check it.

Advance happy birthday!

By the way, I sent also this same letter to other
people just like you did.

I know I should've just let this pass and i know he is so desperate now BUT who can ignore such a letter. I am sick and tired of him and I am happy now without his loud presence. I guess, he just can't accept that. I like the way my life is right now and i just hope that one day he could be with his.

bigay todo..sana marunong kumanta.. Posted by Hello

cedric making faces while rapping Posted by Hello

umm..dilemma...ang laking dilemma nila nung kinanta yang dilemma Posted by Hello

samantha and cedric...cedric knows how to rap...samantha knows how to read...sometimes... Posted by Hello

hannah is in the mood for singing. Posted by Hello

hannah who sang proud mary and bohemian rapsody. Kakaiba pero magaling. Posted by Hello

this is dell and he got the highest score in singing (yup with cedric).  Posted by Hello

this is allison and she sang some songs , mostly rap. Posted by Hello

this is frank singing...well, i don't remember which song because he sang a lot last friday. He is a member of the choir and he is good. Posted by Hello
Sunday, January 23, 2005

ito ang hitsura ko pag walang make-up na di naman kalayuan sa hitsra ko pag may make-up...gusto ko lang talaga magpacute kse depress ako so hayaan mo na. Posted by Hello

hindi ako lasing..kelangan ko lang talaga ng mapungay na mata pag nagaeye shadow...napanipis ata kilay ko. Posted by Hello

muntik ko nang makain ang lipstick na to! laki talaga ng ilong ko (tama ka paeng). Posted by Hello

sa laki ng cheeks ko medyo marami raming blush kelangan para lang mapansin na may make up ako! Posted by Hello

medyo awkward bibig ko pag may lipstick...parang mahiyain sya ganun Posted by Hello

ok...ito ang attempt ko na magmake-up.yeah i know, i feel like I am a twelve year old in puberty...pero di talaga ako naexpose magmake-up ever e...mukha lang lumaki ang mata ko..... Posted by Hello
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
multong bakla!!!!!
Today is not a good day for my students. Before I started first hour,
I found myself crying over Mr. Aswell's death for some reason. Second
hour is okay, well like the usual. Fourth hour was okay too
surprisingly. Fifth hour is when I really got pissed off. Two of my
good students were acting like sped students and were not taking my
experiment seriously. Of course I wrote them up. I just couldn't take
any of those crap anymore and if their parents will talk to me
tomorrow, I will stand by my decision. They may be good students but
they are not perfect. Until sixth hour I was still feeling a little
bit of grudge over what had happened. Seventh hour is my savior. They are just my favorite hour and it is the longest.
When I got home, I turned the tv on, ate adobo then watched Oprah and
before I knew it, it was already 6:30 pm. I guess I fell asleep. And
Rissa's home already. While I was trying to force myself to wake up,
Rissa was fixing the trash. I almost forgot, we were supposed to put
out the trash today. So I helped her and we both went outside to put
the trash where the garbage people will get them. When we were about
to reach that spot, we saw a car approaching our direction. Because it
was too dark, we really couldn't see the color but I knew from the
headlights that it was a Toyota Celica. And yup it was Ronald's.
First, it was funny how he was trying to avoid being seen so he tried
as much as he could to make turns just so we wouldn't see his car
plate. But there is no way we wouldn't recognize these things a)
tazmanian devil plate b) car plate that starts with IMN c) the stupid
driver that he is. So after some turns ( I think he didn't know it was
a dead end), he was able to go back where he came. So Rissa and I
walked back to our house laughing our hearts out. I was really having
fun with it so I decided to call Ronald's cellphone. It rang and for
the first time he answered the phone. This is what happened:

Me: Hey NAld
Nald: Oi
Me: Oi, kotse mo ba yung napadaan kanina?
Nald: Ah yung sa may street nyo? OO
Me: BAket?
NAld: Ah, ibabalita lang sana namin ke Rissa yung tungkol ke Mr.
Me: E bket di ka bumaba?
NAld: Ay no...kasama ko kse si Tracee e
Me: Ah ok, ako na lang magsasabi ke Rissa.
Nald: Ok
ME: Bye

Rissa was right in front of me while I was on the phone with NAld so
she heard every alibi he said. First of all, Rissa doesn't know Mr.
Aswell. Second of all, even if she did Nald will be the last person to
tell her anything about him. Third, So why didn't they go down if that
was what they were planning to do.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that a) he was so shocked
when I called him that he answered the phone b) that was a damn excuse
he made c)his purpose was to see where I live.
I have some theories...I don't think Tracee was with him because I
don't think Nald would ever admit to her that he is still interested
with my life unless of course he told her that he was plotting some
form of revenge. If Tracee was with him, they could've helped each
other make a better excuse about being seen in our street before he
answered the phone. If Tracee was in the car, he would have the courage
to show his face to me. Obviously, he was alone. Lumiliit na kse
mundo nya e. Hehehehe!
Sobrang saya ko lang ngayon especially after namin magmovie marathon ni
Rissa using an LCD projector. Talo pa ang flat screen tv. Para kaming
asa sinehan. Salamat sa sped.
HOnestly, I am scared of what he did tonight. If he is just curious
then that's fine. If it becomes something else then I have to be
cautious. Pero nakakatawa lang magpahiya ng bakla. Malamang matutulog
akong nakangiti ngayong gabi.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
losers don't quit
i really promised myself that 2005 should be my first non-smoking year. I 've been wanting to quit smoking since the day my boyfriend told me quite bluntly that kissing me is like kissing an ashtray. I know that is true sometimes and honestly I don't want to kiss guys who smoke. Yup I'm a hypocrite. Then Paeng also told me that he will never take care of me if I will have lung cancer in the future because it was my choice to smoke. Yeah i know it's pretty rude to say that but he has a point, right?
It's been 4 days since I last had a taste of marlboro lights. During the first day, I kept myself busy to forget about the urge to puff. I had a flight that day, went to target, cleaned my room, etc. I went to bed at around 5 am. The second day was just easy and it went too fast especially because I was busy preparing grades. On the third day(yesterday), I didn't know what to do or expect. Classes resumed yesterday and usually during my planning hour(3rd) I would go to the janitors' room to smoke. I started my day early and I was in school 10 minutes before seven. I looked for Jamie since I missed her sooo much and where did I find her? At the janitors' room smoking of course. So we were there, I told her I quit smoking and she is supportive about it. SHe was expecting though that I will be there (janitors' room) during 3rd hour to smoke. I didn't. Before the end of my second hour class I was already feeling the desire to have nicotine but I just ate peanuts and drank coke in my room. I did some work too and was productive during my planning hour yesterday.The fourth day (today) is like the second day except when rissa told me that she wants to drink coffee and smoke outside. At first she thought that would make me want to smoke but I told her it helps me get used to doing the same things and not make a big deal out of quitting the habit. So I had coffee while she puffed right in front of me. We had a great time and I was ok.
So maybe you're wondering where my cigarettes and lighters are...I threw them all away. All lighters in my bag, all cigarettes, everything. I even left my last pack of lights in my dad's place. I really want to quit.
What changes do I feel now that I have not been smoking? There's quite a few:
a) I feel confident about hugging people now especially in my workplace. I used to worry that they would smell my cigarette smoke when I do that.
b) Since I am not worried about that odor, I now just wear my perfume once a day. This helps me conserve my last bottle of Tommy girl.
c)My lips are turning pink and I really noticed that this morning. They are also less dry and softer.
d)Everytime I wake up I don't feel that heavy weight on my chest. I used to have this feeling that someone is sitting on top of my chest, that's how much it used to hurt. Now, it is gone.
e)I used to wake up every morning having that taste of cigarette even if I brushed my teeth the previous night. Now, my toothpaste is working.
f) I work more now. I never realized how much I procrastinate before when I was still smoking until now. I always have time to smoke but never to finish what I really have to do. So now I even have time to cook adobo!
g) I sleep better now. I feel calm and relaxed every morning.

Wow! I have seen these things already and it's only been 4 days...Exagg ba? o eno ngayon? BAsta ok lang ako.
Monday, January 03, 2005
new year's thang!
I am so glad I finally have some time to write my new year's
resolutions in my blog. This way I could always be reminded why I am
the way I will be this year. And I really, really want to be a
changed, learned and more experienced marj this year.

A) I want to quit smoking. Actually it's been three days since I last
smoked and if you know me you would know how hard that is for me. I
have been trying my best not to think about it but sometimes I also
just want to expose myself to my smoking friends because it somehow
helps me get used to being around them without having that urge to
smoke. I'll write more about this one on my next blog.

B) I want to sleep in normal hours. I need enough rest so I need
enough sleep. I actually felt good this morning when I woke up. I
didn't have to force myself to get up. I went to bed around 10 pm last
night and I really plan to do that every night.

c) I will take my time when eating. Again this is to support A. I
used to eat really fast and then would feel full then smoke. Now I
want to savor my food and chew them better. It helps to better digest
your food too.

D) I will cook more and stop ordering pizza and/ buffalo wings. This
is to save money and to start eating more healthy food.

E) I will drink more water. This is actually for my skin, to have
less stain in my teeth and to avoid kidney problems.

F) I will keep my space clean all the time.

G) Yumyum should not sleep on my bed. I love my baby but he has his
own bed and he can stay in the gazebo when it is not cold. This is
part of my space so this is in realtion to F. I also promise to have
m groomed at least 3 times a year.

H) I will shop less to save more money.

I) I will call my mom, marie and paeng only during weekends. I should
consume not more than 2 cards every month.

J) I will not try to please other people if I don't feel good about

K) nO more afternoon naps.

L) I will call my dad more often. It's good that we can call each
other all the time for free.

M) I will check papers during my free time so I can give them back the
following day.

N) I will avoid fighting or having useless arguments with paeng.

O) I will sing more (videoke) to enhance my voice,avoid stress and

amuse myself.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

all by myself again...hate it! Posted by Hello

miss ko na daddy ko!!!!!!!!! Posted by Hello

miss ko na daddy ko!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Posted by Hello
what's in my head lately ( should've been posted 4 days ago)
my vacation is almost over and i honestly don't know whether i want to go back to Louisiana. One thing is for sure though, i HAVE to go back. Of course, it is not my call to make those decisions. Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking (i guess, that's all I can do since most of the time I'm just stuck here at home) about my life, my future, my family, my boyfriend, tsunamis (yeah, i always try to catch it in the news). After a not-so-nice-but-enlightening chat with my sister, i feel a lot lot more relieved but even more confused.
These are the things on my mind right now (not necessarily in this order):

1. Am I going back home in 2006? Will I have enough money to go back or will I even have a job there?

2. If I am going home in 2006, is it going to be for a vacation or will it be for good?

3. Pag di ako umuwi ng 2006, I should tell paeng. And that will be the end of our n-year relationship. Yeah he tells me that i should cherish the opportunity, that i shouldn't rush home just because of him, that we are young and if we are really meant to be with each other then we would still end up together.
OK that is scary. First, I don't like it when people answer questions like they are in a beauty pageant. This is so ideal an answer. Of course may catch- if I am not going back home, I should break up with him. worst scenario will be, di ako uuwi, i'll be thirty and still be in my same job,i will probably have more than one yumyum, I'll still visit my dad every now and then (this time with my dog/s), nabayaran ko na yellow car, wala na kong credit card, my mom and my sister will be here (maybe even find a job for themselves eventually), siguro by then may savings na ko (or not kse i tend to spend more when i feel sad), uuwi na alng ako sa pinas pag trip ko, i would see paeng and his wife happily married with their children ( mga little paengs na lang wala nang little marjs), ewwwwwwwwwww. nagstop na bigla ang utak ko when i mentioned paeng with another woman. Masama talaga.
See, I may have everything I want by then except for a LIFE.

4. Pagumuwi naman ako ng 2006 for good, ano naman ang scenario/s? I can think of more than one.

a) paguwi ko,shempre magagalit si mommy ko. Mageelope kme ni paeng, papakasal, magpapamilya, eventually my mom will forgive me, si marie naman asa states kse petitioned na sya ni dad by then, pag nakuha na nya si mommy, ako na lang andito, i'll be working my butt off here and it still won't be enough, hihingi rin ako ng tulong sa mommy or kapatid or tatay ko, magaaway kme ni paeng kse baka gusto ko na pumunta kme sa states, sisishin ko sya kse he was the reason my life is miserable, hopefully we won't end up killing each other, makikita ko sina tess, sina rissa pag nagbabakasyon sila sa pinas at maiinggit kse mayaman na sila. Kakatakot...pansin nyo wala pangalan ni nald sa mayaman? Go figure...

b) paguwi ko, shempre magagalit si mommy ko. Magkikita kme ni paeng ulit, manunuod pa rin ng sine, gigimek with mj and con, walang mention ng wedding, sige pa rin, galit pa rin si mommy, sasabihin nya im wasting my life, still no wedding bells, icocnfront si paeng then i will find out that he can't marry me, i will be almost thirty, jobless, no money to support myself, walang self-esteem, forever nagsisising umuwi tas galit pa rin si mommy.

c) paguwi ko, shempre magagalit si mommy ko. Magpapaksal kme ni paeng, pipilitin ko sya magsettle sa states, matutuwa si mommy, may job na naman ako, this time pareho na kmeng walang time for a decent life, mayaman, maybe wala pang anak if we go sa states kse wala ngang time, kunin ko sina mommy and marie, wala pa ring time magkaanak pero may aso na (kung mapilit ko si paeng ulit), hanggang makalimutan na namin magkaanak tas nagmenopause na ko.

d) paguwi ko, shempre magagalit si mommy ko. Magbibusiness kme ni marie kse may naipon na ko, successful ang business kaya di na kelangan bumalik sa states, magkasama na kme ni marie ulit either anjan pa si paeng o wala. Mommy will eventually forgive me.

5. Aayusin ko na ba greencard ko? I have a deadline-march kelangan may 700 dollars na ko. Im sure may pera ko nun if i really want to have it started na. It will take me two or three years to get my greencard, i can't quit my job hanggat di sya lumalabas, by then break na kme ni paeng, si marie malamang andito na and sana si mommy.

6. Lilipat ba ko ng state? nagaapply ako dito kina dad pero half-hearted ako e. Ayoko na kse magadjust ulit, ok na ko dito. Pero damn! Ang baba ng sweldo ko sa Louisiana tas next schoolyear meron pang federal tax!

7. Dadami pa ba kaaway ko sa Louisiana? Yun parang inevitable. Maggiging ok na ba kme ni NAld or should I remain being cautious?

8. Kaya ko kayang walang landline sa bahay? Kaya ko kaya magmaintain ng long distance relationship without calling him everyday? MAs mura nga kaya ang call card kesa landline?

9. Ilang sapatos kaya mabibili ko sa friday? Isang boots at dalawang casual shoes na funky kaya? Kasya kaya bagahe ko or baka sumobra na naman ako? Dadala lang ako ng essentials: itlog na pula, sardines ni rissa, siomai, call cards.

10. Magcucurve ba ko ng midterm scores paguwi ko? Sa physics ata kelangan because that test was pretty hard. Geom honors definitely nde, geom reg siguro may konting kunswelo.

11. Maayos ko ba yung kwarto ko this weekend? Or next weekend na lang kse pagod ako? Maglalaba pa ko, magggrocery, lesson plans pa. Nyek pede ko na yun gawin ngayon dito ah! (yung lesson plan) Light bulb!

12. Ano kayang pasalubong ko ke yumyum? shirt? toy? Baka shirt or towel...wala pa syang towel e.

Yun lang naman mga iniisip ko ngayon. May short term at long term. Ang mahirap nun yan ang mga dahilan why i dont sleep well every night. Why i call the people mentioned every now and then. Siguro 'm still looking for ideas or approval or suggestions. What i noticed from enumerating my thoughts is, I think I am trying to predict my future. Why can't I take risks? Why do I have to know what wil happen to me at least two days from now? Asan na si risktaker marj? parang kseng I'm too scared to make mistakes. Pede ba? Para naman di pa ko nagkamali? Kakaiba talaga tong bakasyon na to. Or maybe I'm having too much free time kse ito yung mga iniignore ko dati. hmm...hirap magisip.