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just thinking loud again
Thursday, May 12, 2005
I think it's time for me to make a major decision. There will really come a time that everybody around you will just say,"hey, it's really up to you". I honestly don't know what to do now and i'll probably just leave it to god this time. Maybe i'll ask for signs. Maybe if he's shirt is red on sunday then...I have been talking to my dad and my tita mons lately, asking them what they think i should do. They are telling me the same thing-pagisipan mo muna nang mabuti. I have been consumung a lot of brain cells on it already and maybe it is just too much for my puny brain kse wala pa rin akong naiisip til now. I have three more days left to think about it. Sana talaga may maisip na ko.
let's see, i-weigh nga ang facts. Things that i am definite about:
1. I still love him and although we've been apart for almost two years now, i've always included him in my life whenever i make decisions.
2. I love what i am doing here. I feel that I will never be as appreciated anywhere else. I meant sa trabaho.
3. I love my family more than i love paeng.
4. I am old enough to make decisions for myself. Whether i make a good or a bad decision, the most important thing is that i made it myself.
5. I love helping my family financially.

What questions do i need answered , where will i get those answers from and when:
1. Do i still love paeng? marj- when i get to see him in person
2. Does paeng still love me? paeng- i guess, when he gets to see me
3. Is he telling me the truth? paeng- his eyes always give him away so malamang pag tinanong ko sya face to face...sunday bale
4. Are we really meant for each other? fate- indefinite
5. Does he want me to choose him? paeng- never. i don't think he will ever tell me that.

ok. So based on my analysis, i think we're making a good decision of breaking up. This is because:
1. We are not sure if we still love each other. Two weeks would be a very short time to validate that, i think.
2. He was not happy when i told him i am planning to go home next year for good.
3. We both think that we'll break up eventually. I mean, he is more vocal about it and i know i can see it coming but i have always been hopeful.
4. He knows he can be happier without me.
5. After two years of calling him almost everyday, i heard him say the other night that i never took care of him and he never took care of me. I guess my best wasn't good enough. Hearing him talk and being concerned about me whenever i called him meant taking care of me.
6. We are both selfish and nobody wants to give in.

what if's:
1. pag uwi ko ng pinas, wala pa rin syang gf? Pede pa kaya kme ulet?
2. gusto nya talga ako umuwi pero ayaw nyang masisi?
3. wala akong makitang work sa pinas?
4. di na ko makabalik dito?
5. sarili ko naman isipin ko?
6. makahanap ako ng iba dito? (asus)
7. di ako makapagsalita pag nakita ko sya?

Advantages and disadvantages ng pakikipagbreak ke babes:
1. I will have a chance to find someone else.- di ko naman alam kung mahal ko or on the rebound lang ako.
2. Bababa ang phone bill ko.- tataas naman konsumo sa pagkain, stressed e.
3. I can keep my job.- Sana nga lang i could be the same person and not feel incomplete. Feeling ko this will have an effect on my performance sa job.
4. He will have time to figure out what he really wants.- e pano kung di ako yung gusto nya?

Pag-nagkita-kme scenarios:
1. kiss and hug tas walang usap nang matagal hanggang makarating sa bahay.
2. kiss and hug sabay usap sa airport pa lang.
3. kiss and hug then ipabook na agad sya ng flight pabalik sa kung san.
4. kiss and hug tas solian ng gamit.
5. kiss and hug tas ipakilala ang bago kong syota.(wish)
6. kiss and hug tas irap.
7. kiss and hug tas happy like before. parang walang nangyari or walang mangyayari.

ok, tapos na ko magmunimuni. 3 days pa naman e. Babala sa babasa: this is my own way af analysing my life ok? so wag magalit kung involved man ang babasa. This is my own version naman e and if you don't agree e di magblog ka ren.garr.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
wishing star, bday candle and chain letters
i really don't know what to feel right now. My life is about to make a

drastic change. Mawawalan na ko ng paeng.
i still couldn't believe that he's really breaking up with me. i guess

i just need to face this problem this time because i know i have been

ignoring it. I knew he would do that eventually. I guess i should be

thankful that he's doing it after two years and not earlier than that.

I just love him so much and the mere fact that after his visit here i

won't hear him say i love you anymore kills me. I still can't stop

blaming myself for leaving him alone sa pinas two years ago. I just

wanted a better life for my mom and my sis. I just don't want my mom

mangutang everytime we need money. I know naman na paeng is

intelligent and i'm quite sure he understands. He's just not built for

it. And like he said it's selfish. Sabi nya we're both selfish naman

daw in a way. The only thing is, i can't remember the last time naging

selfish ako. MAybe now kse i don't want him to leave me. Yun selfish.

They say when you love someone, set him free. If he comes back, then

he's yours but if he doesn't then he never really was. so sige, isipin

ko na lang yun.
For almost nine years i never wished for anything else but to be his

girlfriend; everytime may wishing star, bday candle or khet chain

letters. My only wish had always been to end up with him. And my wish

came true and i just threw it away. Sabi nila, i'll find someone

better. Sana nga. I just want na when i get old, i would be able to

say pa rin na i have no regrets. THat everything that happened in my

life had its purpose.
Before i talked to him over the phone, i was still hoping that i could

change his mind about it. I was quite sure i can. But now i know that

he already made up his mind specially when i told him that i'm still

not coming home next year. Unfair nga naman sa kanya yun. I really

don't know kung kelan ako uuwi. Maybe after i get my greencard or

maybe even never. Ngayon feeling ko ayoko na umuwi.
It scares me now to go home and see him with another woman. It kills

me to think na a few days or months after namin magbreak, my friends

will see him dating another girl. Moreso, that he'll get married.

Nakakatakot tlaga. And the fact is, im sure my old seld would want to

go home after thinking of htese scenarios. Somehow something tells me

that my life isn't just paeng. He is just,or should i say was, a part

of it.
Maghahibernate muna ako.