Click Here! PsycHo: Free Template Generator
just thinking loud again
Monday, October 24, 2005
no more i love you's
i guess i really just had to confirm whatever doubts i had...ok, moment of truth...paeng is saying byebye..this is probably his most subtle way of saying, "marj it's time to move on"...yup, no more i love you' started in his emails about a week ago...instead of reading the usual i love you mwah...he had- love, some people this might sound weird but i don't know, something tells me that this is IT...then about 20 minutes ago, just to check 'cause i am still on my denial phase ,i heard, ok...mwah..just plain MWAH...ok pathetic na kung pathetic...kakanuod lang kse namin ni nald ng little black book...did you know that that movie doesn't have a happy ending? i mean, when it ended she finally got the job she wanted and met the singer that inspired her but SHE DIDN'T END UP WITH ANY GUY! and Nald told me na i will like the movie...tangna, it scared the shit out of me! maganda raw kse makakrelate ako pero the moral of the story is simply WALANG GUY SA BUHAY? i always think of myself as a self-sufficient kind of girl but i am pretty sure that i need a guy in my life...there are things that my girlfriends or gayfriends can't give me(aside from the thing that you are probably thinking of right now)...
so how did saying and hearing i love you have affected my life...
1. it is an assurance of an active feeling of love...although pag mashado nang gasgas, mukha ng routine
2. corny pero it brightens up my day..after makipagbunuan sa estudyante buong araw all i want is to hear that at least one person na di ko kadugo still cares for me.
3. it is a privilege...di lahat ng tao nasasabihan nun ha...
4. it is a proof na after i thought i did a lot of bad things before, i still managed to do something right..somehow
5. confident ako mangaway..kse khet kaaway ko na lahat, someone still loves me.
6. it makes me proud...specially when you're in a public place
7. it makes me want to go home

ngayon, i am a rude person who hangs out with a gay guy, an exhausted teacher that doesn't have a life after work, the oldest 27-year old in the world (form jerry mguirre), an unappreciated friend, vulnerable and on the rebound, an exgirlfriend struggling to forget the past, and of course, a lost and hard-to-guide soul.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
oooops, i slept with a gay man!

i'm not sure where this is going...ronald and i are spending too much time together and i am really happy about having someone

with me except that he's gay.i'm not saying that i wish he isn't but you know when i said i wanted someone special i wasn't

referring to a superficial kind of relationship nor a sexless lover...yup, he's pretty much everything now- a security blanket, a

constant companion, a confidant, a colleague, a girlfriend.i can tell him everything i want and we can talk about anything we

want without offending each other. the sad thing is ...i know, whoever gets a guy first (him of course) gets to call it quits

agad without second thoughts.this would definitely leave me on a bad spot. I don't know how to protect myself from this other

than finding a guy first.but i don't want a race i cannot win.
it all started when he invited me to go to the gym with him..this month is bring-a-friend-month...after that gym experience, we

decided to eat steak at LOgan's ( i know this is wrong, i meant the steak after gym)...after that we started watching will and

grace (story of our lives!) everyday at his place...eating dinner together before watching...watching movies on sundays (we

always remind ourselves not to watch horror, love stories and dramas)...getting wasted then sleeping on the same bed (before you

think of anything nasty, please keep in mind that i don't sleep with gay men, he does!)that went on for a week and a half...the

only reason that broke the pattern is him leaving for alabama today due to a workshop...and i've never felt life to be this

ok, before everybody raises their eyebrows, let me say that i am not having a romantic relationship with him...i am happy that we

are better now after all the hassles we brought to each other when we lived in the same house...the only reason that i am having

doubts about it has something to do about our history together...and you know what they say, a lesson is repeated unless

learned...i am still not convinced that we can live with each other i am not at all seriously considering the idea...i

would like to think that i am just giving it a chance...a chance that is full of caution but real. there was never a time when

we were together that i didn't tell myself ,"gosh i wish i could tell ronald this and that!" but deep inside something's telling

me not to say certain things that might ruin our budding friendship...pigil!
i'd like to quote him when he said that maybe there's something special meant for us that's why god brought us back together...a

few weeks back his one year relationship with jeff ended because of a petty fight and i was having problems with rissa...yup, we

were both vulnerable and yup it seems like we're using each other...maybe we are or maybe we're not but the important thing is i

have someone here with me right now...because after your boyfriend stops telling you he loves you, the next thing you want to do

is find (temporary?) happiness somewhere else...i am not thinking that nald and i would be there for each other all the time

although god knows i am hoping..i just want a little attention and a little security..for the time being.