my vacation is almost over and i honestly don't know whether i want to go back to Louisiana. One thing is for sure though, i HAVE to go back. Of course, it is not my call to make those decisions. Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking (i guess, that's all I can do since most of the time I'm just stuck here at home) about my life, my future, my family, my boyfriend, tsunamis (yeah, i always try to catch it in the news). After a not-so-nice-but-enlightening chat with my sister, i feel a lot lot more relieved but even more confused.
These are the things on my mind right now (not necessarily in this order):

1. Am I going back home in 2006? Will I have enough money to go back or will I even have a job there?

2. If I am going home in 2006, is it going to be for a vacation or will it be for good?

3. Pag di ako umuwi ng 2006, I should tell paeng. And that will be the end of our n-year relationship. Yeah he tells me that i should cherish the opportunity, that i shouldn't rush home just because of him, that we are young and if we are really meant to be with each other then we would still end up together.
OK that is scary. First, I don't like it when people answer questions like they are in a beauty pageant. This is so ideal an answer. Of course may catch- if I am not going back home, I should break up with him. hmmm...so worst scenario will be, di ako uuwi, i'll be thirty and still be in my same job,i will probably have more than one yumyum, I'll still visit my dad every now and then (this time with my dog/s), nabayaran ko na yellow car, wala na kong credit card, my mom and my sister will be here (maybe even find a job for themselves eventually), siguro by then may savings na ko (or not kse i tend to spend more when i feel sad), uuwi na alng ako sa pinas pag trip ko, i would see paeng and his wife happily married with their children ( mga little paengs na lang wala nang little marjs), ewwwwwwwwwww. nagstop na bigla ang utak ko when i mentioned paeng with another woman. Masama talaga.
See, I may have everything I want by then except for a LIFE.

4. Pagumuwi naman ako ng 2006 for good, ano naman ang scenario/s? I can think of more than one.

a) paguwi ko,shempre magagalit si mommy ko. Mageelope kme ni paeng, papakasal, magpapamilya, eventually my mom will forgive me, si marie naman asa states kse petitioned na sya ni dad by then, pag nakuha na nya si mommy, ako na lang andito, i'll be working my butt off here and it still won't be enough, hihingi rin ako ng tulong sa mommy or kapatid or tatay ko, magaaway kme ni paeng kse baka gusto ko na pumunta kme sa states, sisishin ko sya kse he was the reason my life is miserable, hopefully we won't end up killing each other, makikita ko sina tess, sina rissa pag nagbabakasyon sila sa pinas at maiinggit kse mayaman na sila. Kakatakot...pansin nyo wala pangalan ni nald sa mayaman? Go figure...

b) paguwi ko, shempre magagalit si mommy ko. Magkikita kme ni paeng ulit, manunuod pa rin ng sine, gigimek with mj and con, walang mention ng wedding, sige pa rin, galit pa rin si mommy, sasabihin nya im wasting my life, still no wedding bells, icocnfront si paeng then i will find out that he can't marry me, i will be almost thirty, jobless, no money to support myself, walang self-esteem, forever nagsisising umuwi tas galit pa rin si mommy.

c) paguwi ko, shempre magagalit si mommy ko. Magpapaksal kme ni paeng, pipilitin ko sya magsettle sa states, matutuwa si mommy, may job na naman ako, this time pareho na kmeng walang time for a decent life, mayaman, maybe wala pang anak if we go sa states kse wala ngang time, kunin ko sina mommy and marie, wala pa ring time magkaanak pero may aso na (kung mapilit ko si paeng ulit), hanggang makalimutan na namin magkaanak tas nagmenopause na ko.

d) paguwi ko, shempre magagalit si mommy ko. Magbibusiness kme ni marie kse may naipon na ko, successful ang business kaya di na kelangan bumalik sa states, magkasama na kme ni marie ulit either anjan pa si paeng o wala. Mommy will eventually forgive me.

5. Aayusin ko na ba greencard ko? I have a deadline-march kelangan may 700 dollars na ko. Im sure may pera ko nun if i really want to have it started na. It will take me two or three years to get my greencard, i can't quit my job hanggat di sya lumalabas, by then break na kme ni paeng, si marie malamang andito na and sana si mommy.

6. Lilipat ba ko ng state? nagaapply ako dito kina dad pero half-hearted ako e. Ayoko na kse magadjust ulit, ok na ko dito. Pero damn! Ang baba ng sweldo ko sa Louisiana tas next schoolyear meron pang federal tax!

7. Dadami pa ba kaaway ko sa Louisiana? Yun parang inevitable. Maggiging ok na ba kme ni NAld or should I remain being cautious?

8. Kaya ko kayang walang landline sa bahay? Kaya ko kaya magmaintain ng long distance relationship without calling him everyday? MAs mura nga kaya ang call card kesa landline?

9. Ilang sapatos kaya mabibili ko sa friday? Isang boots at dalawang casual shoes na funky kaya? Kasya kaya bagahe ko or baka sumobra na naman ako? Dadala lang ako ng essentials: itlog na pula, sardines ni rissa, siomai, call cards.

10. Magcucurve ba ko ng midterm scores paguwi ko? Sa physics ata kelangan because that test was pretty hard. Geom honors definitely nde, geom reg siguro may konting kunswelo.

11. Maayos ko ba yung kwarto ko this weekend? Or next weekend na lang kse pagod ako? Maglalaba pa ko, magggrocery, lesson plans pa. Nyek pede ko na yun gawin ngayon dito ah! (yung lesson plan) Light bulb!

12. Ano kayang pasalubong ko ke yumyum? shirt? toy? Baka shirt or towel...wala pa syang towel e.

Yun lang naman mga iniisip ko ngayon. May short term at long term. Ang mahirap nun yan ang mga dahilan why i dont sleep well every night. Why i call the people mentioned every now and then. Siguro 'm still looking for ideas or approval or suggestions. What i noticed from enumerating my thoughts is, I think I am trying to predict my future. Why can't I take risks? Why do I have to know what wil happen to me at least two days from now? Asan na si risktaker marj? parang kseng I'm too scared to make mistakes. Pede ba? Para naman di pa ko nagkamali? Kakaiba talaga tong bakasyon na to. Or maybe I'm having too much free time kse ito yung mga iniignore ko dati. hmm...hirap magisip.