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just thinking loud again
Monday, September 25, 2006
im bringing my gay back

the war is finally over. Once again, we're okay. I was just reading through my blog archives and i realized yup, i miss him. I want my gay back. It's just not complete without him (friends, please don't take this in a bad way). I just thought about the things we've gone through and man, that's almost more than what paeng and i had! From the time we were living together, to the time we were fighting when i moved out, to consoling me when paeng left me, to being my friday movie night partner. I simply cannot give those up now. So as soon as i woke up (i slept reading through my blog), i changed then went to his house. I texted him before i fell asleep so he knew i was coming. While i was knocking, i remeber feeling nervous. Is it going to be a welcome smile or a go-away frown? He was okay. He just woke up and was about to cook dinner. After a few minutes , silver was knocking on the door. She didn't want to work and she wanted to sing so she came over when she saw my car. We sang for hours! i almost felt like it was friday and we didn't have to go work tomorrow. I guess you can say we were celebrating because we just got paid! You know, like filipinos do whenever they get their paycheck. but we didn't spend a dime, we were just hanging out. it was a nice feeling to be with them again. Nope, nald and i didn't talk about anything from the past and we usually don't. We are just okay. And that's all i want. I told him i've been seeing douglas at church and that i was planning to make him my new gay since he left me. He said douglas doesn't cook and is too much like me so we won't click. I know...that's why i'm bring my gay back.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
who played first?
Here i go again with my endless human experiments. I'm not even sure if five samples would be enough to draw my conclusions from. The question for today is what constitutes to cheating? According to one of my five samples, cheating is any form of body contact with another person of the opposite sex. One of them said that any form of communication to another party as long as one of them intends to have a relationship beyond friendship. Another person said it's never cheating unless there is sex involved while another added it should only be sex with penetration. My last sample (who is a guy) simply said, "What is vague about it?". He said a guy knows when he is cheating. just like the kid in the story, The Emperor's New Clothes, he asked the most intelligent stupid question. All the while i thought guys don't see things the same way women do. Or maybe some do and some don't or won't admit to it. I think i would know when i'm cheating. I am conscious when i cheat. The only reason why this question would seem vague is when i am trying to be defensive. When one of my samples said it all boils down to one person's intention then my theory becomes void. The thing is i can date another person (assuming that i am committed) and say, i don't have the intention to have a relationship beyond friendship. Or worse, you can have sex and say the same thing. But wait, i think i'm having an aha moment (from Oprah). It says as long as one of you intends to have a relationship beyond friendship. It didn't specify who. Meaning it could be the person who has a commitment or the person you are cheating with. And usually even if the committed one can and would deny it, the other party is the one who wants to take the relationship to another level. I guess unless both of you (suspect and accessory)have the same intention then it is not cheating. Now what about on the perspective of the cheatee (is there such a word)? When i tried to turn the question around, most of my samples have different answers. I asked them, when do you think your partner is cheating on you and most of them gave me less limited answers. Double standards, of course. Why can't we think this way? Not how my partner would feel when im doing this but how i would feel when my partner is doing this. three out of five samples said it is not thier fault if the outside party initiated first or basically, did the first move. in my opinion, it doesn't matter. If my boyfriend responded then they are both at fault. He can blame the girl, alcohol level, hormones or whatever but obviously those are just lame excuses. You are conscious when you cheat but it's just a much better excuse not to be.
Monday, September 18, 2006
i was absent today

I knew i was gonna be absent today from school. I have always been someone who always has to break a routine every now and then to survive. I'm usually cool about everything but i know when to recharge. I don't want to have a total breakdown. I just needed to rest. Checking papers is really the worst part of teaching. I'm not saying it's not important, i know it is a vital part to knowing someone's progress in school. I just couldn't believe that after all the advances in technology that we have right now, teachers are still checking papers manually! A few weeks back, there was one company that presented their products to us, math teachers, and i thought one of the products was cool because it uses the computer and calculator for tests and quizzes. The problem is's too expensive or maybe my school just can't afford it. This product though focuses more on multiple choice questions and i am really not a big fan of that. I don't like any type of test that would allow students to guess and get the answers right. I want something that would really measure what they know. Too much about work.. I guess i just feel guilty that a sub was in my classroom today and had to do my work for me. I wish i was smart enough to solve my checking problem.
Ok. I guess there aren't anything to write about but school. I paused for a few minutes thinking what i could possibly write about besides my job. Talk about not having a life. At least that's better than whining about an ugly relationship that i couldn't get out of. Maybe i'll just pretend that i'll see some light one day.

These are the jobs that i want besides what i have right now.

1. ADVERTISING - way back in high school, this was the most popular job for those who love art. I imagine myself making commercials for TV or being a part of brainstorming to conceptualize them. Late nights, pizza and smoking during meetings. This totally fits my lifestyle.

2. PHOTOGRAPHER - I'm not sure if this will make me rich but i know i'm naturally a good photographer. I know a lot about balance and stuff in pictures so that should make me better than others. I like the fact that if i become a famous one, i could travel for free and take pictures. I like to photograph people and capture their different moods. Ok fine, this could be a hobby.

3. ARCHITECT - Im good at math and drawing therefore this should've been a good Occupation for me. i remember taking architecture classes in college and dropping when i got tired of them. Inially i thought i could be like my fave prof in physics who had a degree in archi and masters in physics. Way back in college i thought i wanted to be the reverse--degree in physics and masters in archi. the problem occurred when i realized i needed a lot of archi prerequisites to take it as a graduate course.

4. SCHOOL PRINCIPAL - ahem, did you know i wanted an administrative job in school? I think i could be a good principal and all i needed to do is take some graduate courses to qualify. I'm young , i can still do that.

5. I WANT TO FLIP HOUSES - buying an old house and transforming it to a nice one so you can profit by selling it is what i meant here. I think it's easy money if you know what you're doing and if you know of a good and dependable contractor.

6. FAsHION CONSULTANT OR STYLIST - i love clothes, shoes and accessories. I know, given my present physical condition, i can never be a model so this is the closest thing for me. I want to tell people what they should wear and how they can improve their appearances.

7. TV SHOW HOST - hey, oprah was fat when she started! i like to speak my mind about a lot of things. Given a good set of writers, i think i can pull this off. I just have to get over my shyness. Besides, i think to be a TV show host is to be a celebrity without really looking like one.

8.AMBULANCE DRIVER - I think this is the only way you can actually drive really fast without getting a ticket. Imagine the power you have over other vehicles.

9. BACK-UP SINGER - i love to sing but i don't want to be the center of attention. people who know how i sing would know why. I seldom sing the melody of any song, i like the second voice better cause they are more challenging.

10. A FAMOUS PERSON'S GIRL FRIDAY - a girl friday is actually a better term for an assistant. i just want to have the priveleges of being famous without being again, the center of attention.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
crazy pics

i just thought i needed to show everybody my trips last summer. the problem not sure how to put texts after each pic. This wasn't the way i was used to, i guess the trial period of that software is over. i dont even remember what it's called. has it been that long? i dont even know how to delete pictures that's why i have one (from the clearwater pics) that was accidentally duplicated. pero bottomline is may picture na ulit sa blog ko. dapat nga lalagyan ko pa ng video yan eh kso it's 1 am already and my administrator will observe me first thing in the morning so i don't have time to learn it. Those pictures were taken about 2 months ago and i realized i look pleasant then. That's because i took pictures of me last night and i noticed how work can make you look tired and worn out. And that's just 5 weeks of school ha? be the judge.
clearwater,florida (summer trip 2006)

Wednesday, September 13, 2006
eto na ang chicago summer trip 06

Tuesday, September 12, 2006
i guess it's not enough that im by myself, huh?
paging my sister marie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have this problem that i really cannot tell anybody about and it's killing me. i remember telling my sister about this in our bedroom a few years back and i thought she was the only person who understood me. She is the only person in the world i'd feel safe to tell it to. Because she would not hate me. And i promised her i will try harder so it won't happen again. But it is sooooo hard because whenever it does, it happens too fast that you don't have time to think about it. I really think i need to seek help but im scared to be labeled. Its just scary because i know it's getting worse and i know a lot of people will go nuts when they find out. i actually tried to tell my best friend about this and i'm not quite sure i liked it. She almost went nuts, i believe. At the same time she was amazed, to say the least. And at some points of having this disorder i know i feel the same way. But i can never be proud of it. I don't think i can fix myself anymore without some medical help . I feel like im running out of time. I don't want to wait for something bad to happen. I dont intend to talk about this openly but when im ready (which i doubt will ever happen), i will. Cause i can't afford to lose my friends this way. I'm definite that they won't understand. They can't. They have to be me. I just hope that when they find out everything will be alright. It may not be the same but at least it'll be alright. It's hard to explain that you don't have a choice. AAAAAAAargh! i need an easy button.

i miss you marie. i wish you were here today.
Monday, September 04, 2006
here we go, here we go again
it's true what they all say: lessons are repeated unless learned. and i as a teacher i should know this by heart, if i have a heart. i don't even remember when i started being such a bitch. i don't remember planning it. it's as if i woke up one day and told myself, "well, why should i be good today?". i think i had my share of knowing people who took advantage of me, some i'm still with. And it's hard when you have been sheltered all your life. My parents tried sooo much to protect me from getting hurt. I remember not being able to play with dirt when i was young, or buying us (my sis) stuff we like to replace not having a father at home (my dad was always working abroad). i remember my mom asking ronald to take care of me when we left manila 3 years ago. or my mom asking paeng why we broke up when we did. but there will come a point in your life when you could only depend on yourself, when you could only trust yourself. It's been proven: people change. I changed. i had to because i needed to cope and adapt to everybody else's changing. i love my life now. it's not perfect,of course. Somehow having a little angst is making me a better person. i don't have to hide anything,i did some good things and bad things in my life. And i'm okay. I can still sleep at night. I don't want to be pressured to please anybody. I'm a bitch but i'm sure not yours!