paging my sister marie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have this problem that i really cannot tell anybody about and it's killing me. i remember telling my sister about this in our bedroom a few years back and i thought she was the only person who understood me. She is the only person in the world i'd feel safe to tell it to. Because she would not hate me. And i promised her i will try harder so it won't happen again. But it is sooooo hard because whenever it does, it happens too fast that you don't have time to think about it. I really think i need to seek help but im scared to be labeled. Its just scary because i know it's getting worse and i know a lot of people will go nuts when they find out. i actually tried to tell my best friend about this and i'm not quite sure i liked it. She almost went nuts, i believe. At the same time she was amazed, to say the least. And at some points of having this disorder i know i feel the same way. But i can never be proud of it. I don't think i can fix myself anymore without some medical help . I feel like im running out of time. I don't want to wait for something bad to happen. I dont intend to talk about this openly but when im ready (which i doubt will ever happen), i will. Cause i can't afford to lose my friends this way. I'm definite that they won't understand. They can't. They have to be me. I just hope that when they find out everything will be alright. It may not be the same but at least it'll be alright. It's hard to explain that you don't have a choice. AAAAAAAargh! i need an easy button.

i miss you marie. i wish you were here today.