i really don't know what to feel right now. My life is about to make a

drastic change. Mawawalan na ko ng paeng.
i still couldn't believe that he's really breaking up with me. i guess

i just need to face this problem this time because i know i have been

ignoring it. I knew he would do that eventually. I guess i should be

thankful that he's doing it after two years and not earlier than that.

I just love him so much and the mere fact that after his visit here i

won't hear him say i love you anymore kills me. I still can't stop

blaming myself for leaving him alone sa pinas two years ago. I just

wanted a better life for my mom and my sis. I just don't want my mom

mangutang everytime we need money. I know naman na paeng is

intelligent and i'm quite sure he understands. He's just not built for

it. And like he said it's selfish. Sabi nya we're both selfish naman

daw in a way. The only thing is, i can't remember the last time naging

selfish ako. MAybe now kse i don't want him to leave me. Yun selfish.

They say when you love someone, set him free. If he comes back, then

he's yours but if he doesn't then he never really was. so sige, isipin

ko na lang yun.
For almost nine years i never wished for anything else but to be his

girlfriend; everytime may wishing star, bday candle or khet chain

letters. My only wish had always been to end up with him. And my wish

came true and i just threw it away. Sabi nila, i'll find someone

better. Sana nga. I just want na when i get old, i would be able to

say pa rin na i have no regrets. THat everything that happened in my

life had its purpose.
Before i talked to him over the phone, i was still hoping that i could

change his mind about it. I was quite sure i can. But now i know that

he already made up his mind specially when i told him that i'm still

not coming home next year. Unfair nga naman sa kanya yun. I really

don't know kung kelan ako uuwi. Maybe after i get my greencard or

maybe even never. Ngayon feeling ko ayoko na umuwi.
It scares me now to go home and see him with another woman. It kills

me to think na a few days or months after namin magbreak, my friends

will see him dating another girl. Moreso, that he'll get married.

Nakakatakot tlaga. And the fact is, im sure my old seld would want to

go home after thinking of htese scenarios. Somehow something tells me

that my life isn't just paeng. He is just,or should i say was, a part

of it.
Maghahibernate muna ako.